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Happy New Year?
Diary of a depressive
Day 1, 2021. We left the blinds open last night, so the natural light might wake us up. It wasn’t me having difficulty waking up, I’m usually the first. But the light got me this morning. It came in, uninvited, over-eager, rousing me from a bad dream. The cold, white light of a winter morning. And an unfamiliar part of me wanted to go back to bed, preferring imagined terrors to the reality of another day.
I don’t know when it started growing, like a tumor. This new part of me. About a week ago I was in my room, just because it was quiet and I wanted to be alone. Maybe I was playing with my phone, I don’t recall, but I suddenly realized I wished I could stop breathing. I wondered if there was any point in drawing another breath. When I think about it now, my corneas tingle, as if there are going to be tears, but there are none. The muscles around my eyes twitch, but don’t blink. Anyway, just for a second, I craved closure. That’s a euphemism. I craved death. Even though I adore the people in my life, and I am grateful for what I have, for the briefest moment, I no longer wanted to be here.
Last night we stayed in. I cooked a nice Mexican meal and everybody ate heartily. Watching them was satisfying. But it felt like I was watching the whole thing from afar. I wondered if I could turn the volume down. My daughters chose a Christmas DVD to…
